And a Heaven in a Wildflower

Richard II

2012-01-22T17:52:00.005Z

I went to see Richard II at the Donmar Warehouse last night. It was really well done for what is quite a convoluted and lesser-known storyline. The supporting acting was slightly weak but I loved the gothic set and sensual quality of incense that permeated throughout the theatre, as well as the very subtle music underlining certain moments. The best part was Eddie Redmayne, who was utterly spellbinding as Richard. Had no idea he could act this well. He was totally unpredictable and mesmerising and he played against the rhythm of the verse so well. It was also lovely getting upgraded from standing tickets to third row of the stalls! Such a pleasure to see such good acting like this.

What is church?

2011-11-01T12:55:00.003Z

Ok so this video is a little corny, but I found it really summed up the perception of church I've developed over the years:

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=F19FFMNU

I just wish more people would stop treating church like a sunday service or an institution. When we talk about 'going to church', what do we actually mean? If church is about people, then surely we are 'going to church' whenever we meet with our Christian brothers and sisters. Surely, if church is about being the body of Christ, we are being church whenever we are in community, which should be all the time. I totally agree that Christians need to meet together and the meetings and building needed to house such activity are all part of this. I have spent most of this year not being part of a local church and have really felt the lack of it. That's not to say that I felt like I was outside the church though, I was still in the body of Christ and still meeting with my Christian friends. A regular meeting with lots of different Christians however, is important and necessary I think for sustaining your faith. Even monks and nuns operate in community.

My point is, the more we make church about the actual people, the less we make it about different theologies, beliefs, cultures, practices etc which can cause division. When I first moved to London, I had the experience of going to church by myself for the first time. I literally knew no one in this church and was terrified. But I just kept reminding myself that these people were my family and that somehow made it ok and gave me confidence. I was able to keep an inner calm despite being fearful no one would talk to me.

In my experience, church is at its best when people are just hanging out together and being involved in each other's lives as we follow Jesus. This can be a couple of Christians meeting up for a coffee or a big meeting together on a Sunday. Either way, we're all church. It's not easy, but it's God's plan for us and when it works, it works brilliantly.

Shame

2011-10-10T19:52:00.006+01:00

"What we call Original Sin in Genesis could perhaps better be called Original Shame, because the way that Adam and Eve describe themselves is that they feel naked. Then some of the first words of God to his newly created people are, “Who told you that you were naked?” (Genesis 3:11). Next, in a lovely maternal image, God as seamstress sews leather garments for them (3:21). The first thing God does after creation itself is cover the shame of his new creatures. This must name something that is fundamental within any authentic experience of God.

We live not just in an age of anxiety, but also in an age of shame. I find very few people who do not feel inadequate, stupid, dirty, or unworthy. Guilt is about things we have done or not done, but our shame is about the primal emptiness of our very being, an ontological question. It is not resolved by changing behavior as much as by changing our very self-image, our alignment in the universe." ~ Richard Rohr.

Shame can be really dangerous. I think shame can really eat people up and I think a lot of people are so ashamed of who they are and what they do that they try to find a way out of the mess by diving headfirst into it. The shame stops them coming to God. I remember feeling like that a few times in my life. I have always been in the habit of beating myself up a lot about sin (partly overly self-critical personality, partly the Christian culture I grew in) and there have been times when it's actually made me very depressed. Shame=total emptiness.

I remember two times when God clearly spoke to me through other people about this. I believe he spoke to me because I was thinking about that exact thing the moment each person said it which I don't believe was coincidental-how often does that happen in a totally random context? Firstly, I was in a meeting on a mission trip in Russia and thinking about how lustful I was and beating myself up about it. Then, as if I had said the word out loud, the leader praying said 'and if you are thinking about how lustful you are, don't. You are not lustful. That is not who you are.' Suddenly came the powerful realisation that I was identifying myself with my sin. Making that sin part of me, when actually it was just something I struggled with. The next occasion was in church in Manchester. I remember one time feeling the weight of the hypocrisy of repentance. I felt like I couldn't come to God because I was a total hypocrite. I hated the fact that I kept sinning and repenting over and over. I felt like it made my repentance meaningless because I knew I would, of course, sin again. Then our pastor said, completely unrelated from anything else he was praying about, 'and if you are thinking about how hypocritical you are, don't, because Jesus died for hypocrites too.'

I have always remembered those two times when I am starting to feel the weight of my shame. I really don't believe God wants us to wallow in shame about our sin. Conviction is a totally different thing because it doesn't include despair. Jesus died to take our shame so that we could come to God and approach him boldly, not timidly. Too often in our Christian culture I feel we emotionally flagellate ourselves to the point that we can't see any goodness in ourselves or anyone anymore and God becomes this wrathful, disapproving school teacher. We feel like the naughty kid in the dunce hat. I find I actually agree with Richard Dawkins when he criticises the Christian obsession with 'sin sin sin sin sin sin sin'. I'd much rather people remarked how Christians seem to be liberated and following the good things in life. Once you explain to people that the reason you don't do something is because the other path brings you life, they actually seem much more on board. If we keep going on about how dirty and wrong everything is, people start to lose track of the vision and we just seem like prudes. We forget that we are made in God's image and totally redeemed. We forget to delight in the freedom He offers us. Our world needs serious healing from its shame, and we don't need to add to the mess.

Meaningless

2011-09-11T22:14:00.006+01:00

My favourite book of the bible is Ecclesiastes. I go back to it time and time again and each time I get more out of it and am struck afresh at how simple and truthful it is. In fact, if I was to identify myself with anyone in the bible, it would be with the writer of this book (most likely Solomon). Someone who wryly steps outside of his life and looks back on it with the realisation that everything is meaningless. I do that a lot actually. I get caught up in the illusion of what the world has to offer all too easily and it is only when I am faced with the bare reality of God that I realise it's all just chasing after the wind. This sounds depressing, but it's more a case of breaking the illusion. I go through a sort of mourning process when I realise that what I think will make me happy, just doesn't. But it's humbling and strangely comforting to know that all I worry about; all I chase after, is insignificant in the whole scheme of things. Nothing is new under the sun.

I've been turning to Ecclesiastes lately because I've been thinking about how humans chase after things that aren't good for us. Why do we constantly struggle with the same old issues? Why do we continually seek contentment and gratification in the places we know deep down have shown themselves to astronomically fail in delivering? Why can't we just strive for God instead and stop being so stupid?! It's a universal problem. It's the essence of sin.

If I'm really honest (as honesty is the best way to illustrate my point), I've struggled a lot this year with striving after the attention and affirmation of others. I've always had trouble with this and I care far too much about other people liking me-my love language is definitely words of affirmation! It becomes dangerous, though, when I allow this tendency to dictate the way I behave around others, particularly in my interactions with men. This year, I seem to have got more attention than usual and (let's face the honest truth here), I've enjoyed it. My lack of wisdom, however, was in how I dealt with that attention. If I am constantly seeking the approval of men, I respond to flirtation and get myself in sticky situations, I think certain thoughts, I dress a certain way, I am too concerned with my appearance and being seen as attractive, I begin to crave and need the attention and it becomes an addiction. It's when I step out of each interaction that I see how I've been burned and need healing. It became particularly apparent to me when I recently re-read through the journal I've kept this year and realised I just didn't learn the lessons I had written down to remember: 'must flirt less' etc.

All part of the chasing after the wind. It's just amazing then, to read what happened to Solomon in Ecclesiastes. The man tried everything. He had everything his heart desired. And did it satisfy him? No. No it did not. People complain about Christianity being full of rules and God being a stuffy dictator, but I can't see it that way when I can actually feel and see the destructive consequences of turning my back on God and doing my own thing. I've experienced it and it hasn't done me any good at all. The opposite in fact.

No-I am most content and fulfilled when I realise the meaninglessness of it all and just lean on God. That is essentially, I think, what Solomon concludes at the end of Ecclesiastes. Don't strive after things that aren't conducive to a flourishing life. Just love God and follow him. As Richard Rohr says,

'God’s totally positive and lasting way of removing our shortcomings is to fill up the hole with something much better, more luminous, and more satisfying.'

When You Are Old

2011-09-03T16:14:00.004+01:00

I came across this poem the other day by W.B. Yeats and fell in love with it:

When You Are Old

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

Clarification

2011-08-03T03:03:00.002+01:00

Just to clarify on my previous post-I do not believe hell and penal substitution were invented by the Victorians, just perpetuated or romanticised. I was pointing out that PS is generally believed to be a more recent theory of the atonement and thus it isn't as 'traditional' as people make it out to be. I don't know why this view has become so institutionalised in the church and thus why it is so problematic when people question it. This seems odd to me when it wasn't necessarily taught by the early church (although this is debated). Maybe it's because it's true; maybe it's because it's just popular. Either way, you've got to look at who is questioning it. Are they wolves in sheep's clothing and out to cause trouble, or do they love God and are seeking a deeper understanding of him and what Christ's death achieved for us?

The main point of my post was just to reflect on how we respond to people who hold different opinions to us. There is such division in the church at the moment and I feel increasingly that I side on the people who are asking questions, just because they're being courageous enough to do so and I will always be on the side of free thinking. But they should be willing to humbly accept they might be wrong. We should all be willing to accept that.

I guess I see faith as a journey and theology is part of that. Your theology should be coherent, based firmly on the authority of the bible but it should also be consistent with your experience. God wants us to use our brains! So if my theology says God heals everyone, then unless I'm willing to fit in my theology with my experience, I will be totally battered when someone I pray for doesn't get healed.

I'm still on a journey with my theology and slowly discovering more what I believe about God, and I definitely don't reject penal substitution or any theory outright. I guess I'm just willing to accept that people have different views to me and that's ok. I know several people who I genuinely believe love Jesus, who hold very different views on differing theological and moral issues. Perhaps it's just part of our flawed understanding of God or perhaps it's part of what makes life interesting. Either way, we have Jesus in common and that's where we need to start in loving each other and sharing our differing views.

Responding to Critics

2011-07-25T18:39:00.008+01:00

Brian McLaren is a pastor who has recently been heavily criticised by many groups in the Church, as well as by several people among my acquaintance. Before making any judgements, I wanted to decide for myself so I started to read some of his writings and listened to several of his sermons and talks. Personally I can't see anything in what he says that worries me. He is asking questions many church leaders, scholars and other Christians have been asking for years. He clearly loves Jesus and the bible. He wants Christians to grow in their love for God and to shine God's love to others. What could be bad about that? We've got to stop blacklisting people like McLaren, Steve Chalke and Rob Bell just because they challenge traditional ideas (some of which actually aren't so traditional and have only become popular in more recent history e.g. penal substitution and eternal conscious torment-perpetuated by the Victorians.) It's OK to question things. It's about gaining a deeper understanding of God. If you can't question things and everything falls apart; your faith must've been pretty weak in the first place.

I read one article where McLaren was responding to his critics. I was inspired by his concluding statements which I think are crucial when dealing with any differences amongst Christians:

"Whenever I am shown to be wrong, I pray that my love for God and God’s truth will lead me to side joyfully with my critics against my own writings. But until I am convinced that I am wrong, all I can do is seek to tell the truth as I see it, and raise questions that I believe must be raised, with appropriate humility and openness to correction, while pleading with those who disagree to do so in ways that will not harm the communities and values we all cherish.

Whether or not you agree with these requests, be assured that I am committed to prayerful self-examination in light of all critique, and I seek to learn from all attempts to help or instruct me, even if those attempts come out in a less-than-ideal way. When critiques are obviously unfair or intentionally malicious, I hope I can receive them as opportunities to grow in my Christian character and follow the example of Christ, whose gracious response to mistreatment is one of the ways he fully and perfectly revealed the gracious character of God.

So in summary, I hope that if you are among my good Christian critics, you will aspire to be a good Christian in the way you respond to my writings, even if you think I am a bad Christian for what I write or the questions I raise. We have a chance to model constructive dialogue rather than the religious bickering which has too often characterized all our religious communities. Even if I am as wrong you think I am, what good would it be to prove a wrong person wrong if in the process right people prove themselves mean-spirited, unfair, unreflective, inaccurate, dishonest, or hypocritical?

One final request. I hope that none of us will spend so much time in internal debate about our beliefs that we neglect putting our beliefs into action. It would be tragic for both you and me if our differences distracted us and others from what religion is supposed to be about: helping widows and orphans and others in need, and keeping ourselves “unspotted from the world,” as James says."

The Tree of Life

2011-07-18T21:49:00.004+01:00

Beautiful film. Terrence Malick just has such an eye for the minute and quiet beauty in everything. The macrocosm in the microcosm. I love all his films for this. Although this was slow moving in parts; the human story is very interesting. It's about a boy who is torn between the spiritual and graceful character of his mother and the hard working, ambitious nature of his father. I've never actually seen that kind of conflict conveyed in art before and it was very interesting to consider. I also felt that it was about the whole of the universe contained in one boy/man's life. It showed how he grew and developed and how he was affected by the loss of his brother.

The mother was a lovely character and I thought the actress did some fine acting when dealing with the death of her son. One thing she said really stayed with me: grace is accepting that other people won't always like you. That's something I've never really considered before but so true. Terrence Malick is definitely one of my favourite writers too. Always very thoughtful, spiritual and poetic. Not his best film, but certainly contained all the hallmarks I like about his film making and definitely an original and interesting story.

Flakiness

2011-07-11T10:35:00.010+01:00

I'm really getting sick of flaky people right now. I don't mean flaky in the sense of being scatty, I mean flaky as in "Yes! I will be there! Can't wait!!!" to "oh sorry, something's come up...I can't make it..."

Now, perhaps I just have high standards (because I do consider myself to be a very faithful friend) or I misunderstand these people. But I feel like there are several people in my life who are just like this. I would probably attribute it to an attempt to cull me from their life, if they didn't suddenly come out of the blue with 'Oh my goodness! It's been so long, we have to meet up! yada yada yada...' Then they disappear again. Bizarre.

I recently listened rather ironically to my flaky friend complain about her flaky friend. I guess people really do have blinders on. But it showed me that it happens to everyone, it's not just me being little miss sensitive. Perhaps I just let it bother me more though.

But from my perspective it is bad behaviour. It is being a bad friend. You don't drop in and out of someone's life when you feel like it. That is not my definition of friendship. It starts to raise questions about whether your friendship really meant anything in the first place.

My dad always says friendship is like a bank-you put money in the bank of your friendship, the other person takes the money out and vice versa. The only problem comes when one person isn't putting any money in the bank. Eventually they take all your money and you end up in deficit.

On the other hand, I could be completely wrong. I know several people who live entirely in the moment and can quite happily move on from their old friendships without any sense of loss or regret. That's something I've learned to develop to a certain extent; after realising that friendships from holidays and short courses etc don't last forever (even though you always think they will at the time!) I've learned enough about life to not cling on to past friendships too dearly. However, if everyone was flaky-how would any friendships last outside the moment? It just makes it so much more special when friendships are maintained on both sides.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I can't really do anything about it. I will always forgive those people who decide to crawl back into my life. I've always been like that. But I can choose to not let it bother me-which I guess this blog is helping me do by getting it out of my system. Writing is wonderful catharsis.

Perhaps I just need to offer these flaky people more grace...

Nephew

2011-07-07T11:36:00.004+01:00

I just adore my nephew. I can't believe some people aren't madly in love with their nephews/nieces. Mine is scrumptious!

Rain

2011-07-07T11:06:00.009+01:00

I actually love rain. I know most people hate it and, yes, when it's cold and wet it can be pretty yucky. But considering I'm the sort of person that is uncomfortable with a temperature above 20 degrees (and we've had a lot of days like that recently), you can imagine why I like it to be a little cooler. I just love the feeling of rain on my skin and the sound it makes on the windowpane, when inside is cosy and warm. That is one of my greatest pleasures. Someone has to like this side of God's creation!

Grateful for the Presence of the Other

2011-05-20T21:53:00.007+01:00

I came across this image the other day on nakedpastor.

Sometimes eating alone is hard, as loneliness is hard. But there is a real difference between loneliness and solitude:

Loneliness is inner emptiness; solitude is inner fulfilment.

Whenever we are alone, we're not really alone.

We've always got someone to eat with us.

Out of the Past

2011-05-14T16:08:00.010+01:00

Like it or not, our pasts have a huge influence on the way we live our lives in the present. Sociologists have recently begun to refer to a notion called a 'meta-narrative'. It's basically the overarching story in your life that acts as a lens that you see the world through. This includes sociological and cultural influences. For example, as a woman, I am influenced by society's notion of what femininity and being female entails. My meta-narrative has been shaped by this notion, which is constantly projected through my interaction with literature, media, art, education and relationships with others. We are also influenced by the way others perceive us. So if someone has been consistently told that they are unintelligent or unlovable, that is how they will begin to view themselves and, actually, it can affect their self-perception for the rest of their life. Fortunately, I have never had this happen to me, but I know plenty of people who have.

This is all quite obvious, but it struck me as something we constantly need to be aware of. I don't believe we are controlled or constructed by the world around us; I believe we have free will and control over our identity and self-perception. Therefore we can alter the lens that we see the world through; we can choose to believe something different about ourselves, despite our meta-narrative. But we need to be aware of what is actually influencing the way we think and behave, in order to change it. We need to be aware of how our past is influencing our present.

The point I really want to make is this:

The story that defines me isn't the story of my past.

The story that defines me is the story of Jesus.

I can't allow the person I used to be or the ways I used to act to control how I think and feel. I can't allow others to dictate the way I should behave: like I shouldn't be working in the arts, I should be having sex, I should be 'liberated', I should be submissive, I should be buying nice things for myself, I should believe certain theology, I shouldn't bother with an invented 'God', I should look a certain way to be beautiful, I should keep my moral views to myself, I should have a certain education, etc etc. These are some of the things that have and are fighting to influence my identity. And ultimately, they are all trying to squeeze me into a tiny box that is acceptable to the other person.

The only identity that is truly free is one that is rooted in Christ. It is only once you are given the lens of Jesus that you can begin to see the influence your meta-narrative carries over your life, and replace it with God's. Your past achievements and failures are past. You can't cling on to them.

It is only when I come to Christ that I realise He accepts me and loves me for the person that I AM. Not who I was or will be, but who I am now. One of my biggest problems is wanting people to like me too much. As I get older, I realise I increasingly care less what people think of me and I want more to just be myself, not what I think people will like. The trouble is that people don't like that! But then people didn't like Jesus, and he was more himself than anyone who has ever lived. Learning to accept yourself and move on from the past is a tough and constant journey. Re-define yourself in Jesus and you become, YOU.

Revisiting Russia

2011-05-05T21:04:00.011+01:00

I recently went back to visit Russia again. I had the best time seeing all my old friends and I was so encouraged to see how the ministry is still going strong. I surprised myself by how much I had missed Krasnodar. It was the first time I really fully realised how much it had been a blessing that I had ended up there and not St Pete. God works in mysterious ways and I feel grateful that I had the chance to realise how much he'd blessed me. The sense of community in Krasnodar is something that is really unique and there are so many lovely people there. I also felt whilst I was there that I probably won't go back, at least not for a while. It made me realise how much at home I feel in England and that, as much as I love Russia, right now I am exactly where I should be. Here are a few pics from my visit:

God is on our side

2011-03-04T16:31:00.005Z

I heard someone say this recently and it surprised me. Sometimes I forget this! This doesn't mean in the sense of God taking sides between people, or not being sovereign; but it's the sense that God is for us and not against us. The world thinks that God gives us rules and consequences for our sin to spite us or maliciously make life hard for us, but this simply isn't true and it's a lie that I sometimes find myself falling into. God has good plans for me and works to prosper me-as the good father and friend he is.

The King's Speech

2011-01-17T21:48:00.003Z

I know everyone's raving about this but just wanted to add my praise. Such a fantastically written film with sublime acting. Funnily enough, all the exercises he did with the speech therapist were identical to the ones I do in my theatrical training. (apart from the swearing!) Wasn't expecting it to be so moving too. I really can't see how this film can be improved. Hope Colin finally wins an Oscar!

Singleness

2011-01-14T17:39:00.006Z

'A single person is not necessarily a sign of the kingdom. If he is tangled in his longings and his sense of loss, he is not. But a single person can demonstrate with a remarkable clarity that he knows the reason he was created: to love and serve God, and him only. If that singleness of vision, that purity of heart, possesses him and shows itself in his purposeful service of others and in his preoccupation with prayer and worship, then he makes a radical statement with his life about the kingdom.' ~Tim Stafford

I've been reading a really challenging book recently called 'The Single Issue' by Al Hsu. It's the best book I've ever read on singleness. Most books out there are about preparing you for marriage or helping you deal with singleness, but none actually advocate singleness the way this book does. Along the way, it's made me realise how many of my previous thoughts on singleness were illogical and simply derived from the froth of culture, both Christian and secular. Here are some of the things I've learnt from it:

1. In order to live a single life, it does not mean you are necessarily given a supernatural 'gift' to deal with it. Some single people, like John Stott (who is interviewed in the book), realise gradually that that is what God is calling them to be. They wouldn't necessarily have chosen it and may have had opportunities for marriage, but they simply realise that singleness is the right choice for the life they need to live and the ministry they need to carry out.

2. Singleness and marriage are both gifts in their own right. Neither is better than the other. Marriage has its hardships, just as singleness does. There is too much romanticism about marriage in contemporary culture which makes people, and especially girls I think, raise it on a pedestal as the solution to all their problems. We fall into the trap of thinking 'if only I was married, I'd be happy.'

3. Sadly, this view is also encouraged in Christian circles. If someone is single, everyone is trying to set them up with the other singles in church. (I am terrible at doing this). There is particular distrust of church leaders who are single. They are seen as not able to minister to the families in the church (for some reason this is never applied to the singles in the church), but actually a single person in paid ministry can do far more with their free time because their duty is not first to their family. Many people in paid ministry end up putting church first and their family feel neglected, when actually they probably should have opted to remain single in the first place.

4. The idea of your 'perfect soul mate' is actually a myth. There isn't necessarily one person in the world mapped out for you alone. There may be many people in your life who you could potentially marry, and you can't just sit around waiting for your 'true love' to arrive on your doorstep. Ultimately though, you have to decide what is best for the choices you make in life and be open to God's purposes.

I'm really oversimplifying here but these are some of the lessons I've learnt. Before I read this book, I genuinely believed that because I want to get married, that somehow means I will someday. This view has also been encouraged to me by others in the past. Although I think our desires are important and God gives us desires, I am also aware that they can come from other places and aren't always fulfilled in the way we think. They can also change in different contexts.

I'm not saying I've decided to remain single for life, but this book has just challenged me a great deal to be open to the idea that singleness might be a choice I need to make for my life and to stop feeling sorry for single people I know who are past 30. Rather than feeling regret about being alone, I need to appreciate the single life for what it is and enjoy the gift while I have it-which may be for the remainder of my life. Who knows. Singleness is a great place to be in.

Classic

2010-10-04T19:38:00.004+01:00

Just saw this film as it was re-released at the cinema. This has always been a kind of institution with my family so it's one of those films I feel like I grew up with and can quote from endlessly. Seeing it on the big screen felt quite different though; I kept noticing things about the set and different camera angles that I never really noticed before. For example, Marty McFly's entrance to the film is brilliant and I kept noticing little features and props that just look so nostalgically 80s now. It's just such a good film-great plot, hilarious characters and brilliant acting. This has got to receive the honour (ha) of being in my top 10 best films!

Isn't my nephew scrumptious?

2010-09-19T20:38:00.002+01:00

Homeless

2010-09-17T13:25:00.006+01:00

This painting is called 'Refuge' by Christian artist Kari Dean. This kind of sums up how I feel at the moment. I've had a really stressful week trying to find a place to live in London. Not to sound melodramatic, but I guess I've experienced a tiny bit of what it's like to be homeless: having to lug all your possessions around in boxes, not having an actual place called home etc. But I've got somewhere to stay for the meantime, which has made me profoundly grateful when there are people out there who have nowhere to go.

I'm trying to stay positive, but it's quite frustrating when your plans don't work out the way you want them to, or thought they would. I think I had a naive idea that starting this new chapter of my life would be perfect and everything would be wonderful. Life is never easy!

During this stressful time, I've not spent much time alone with God. I've really missed my times with Him and just had to sit myself down and force myself to open my bible. It's amazing, that as soon as I start talking to Him and reading the words He breathed, I find myself comforted already. I am reminded of how blessed I am to have a roof over my head and I am comforted by the thought that Jesus was homeless (it's amazing how God's ability to relate to us in Christ can be the greatest comfort at times!)

I was really struck by this verse in Psalm 42:

'My soul is downcast within me,
therefore I will remember you...'

That's really all we need to do: take refuge in God. It's not a promise of an instant fix, but a reminder that God's light shines in our darkness. That we need Him most of all when we are feeling downcast. I'm so grateful we know a God who comforts us in our troubles and is always waiting to listen to us.

Friendship

2010-09-06T16:57:00.011+01:00

Friendship really is one of the best things in life. Sometimes, after spending a really great time with friends, I feel like the experience is almost spiritual. I feel uplifted and comforted that I have just experienced a genuine human connection. Friendships are sometimes hard and burdensome, but, more often, they're delightful.

It's interesting that people experience and participate in friendship in different ways. Some people I know like to just sit and chat for hours. Some like to relate through sport or a shared hobby. Personally, I like something that is halfway between the two-I love to relate to people through a shared activity, like watching a movie or going out for the day, where there is a chance for good conversation in between.

Some also like different numbers of people in their friendship group. In Russia, for instance, they usually only have one or two people they would describe as their 'friends'. In England, these people would be called best friends, but in Russia it is a privileged status to be called someone's friend and everyone else is an acquaintance. These relationships can be incredibly close-you would do almost anything for them. I can't tell you how happy I was for a Russian to finally introduce me as their 'friend'! In England, however, someone can quite quickly be described as your 'friend', even if you've only known each other for a short time. Hence the oddity of terms like 'Facebook friends', some of whom you might not have spoken to for years or even liked in the first place!

I think it's important to keep a balance between having a lot of friends and having deep friendships. I discovered this in my first year at university, when I joined a gazillion societies and would have said that I had a lot of 'friends'. However, when I got to the end of the year, I realised that very few of these relationships actually had any depth or meaning and I was really lacking in close friendships because I had tried to make friends with too many people. In my second and third years, I began to develop closer relationships with fewer people and this was much more satisfying.

I think as I'm learning more about friendships, I'm realising that you have to be selective sometimes about who you choose to invest in. I have always been the sort of person who wants to be friends with everyone, and I used to find it odd if I met people who didn't seem to make the same amount of effort. However, I think I'm more tolerant now that sometimes people are just able to spend time with a few friends and are content to have limited company. People do friendships differently, and that's okay.

Sometimes friendships happen automatically. I've met people before that I have just clicked with straight away. It feels like I've known them for years and relating is just so easy. At other times, friendships are very gradual and grow through regular contact and sharing life together. There are also friendships that you write off as NGH (Not Gonna Happen), but suddenly discover that actually you are more suited than you thought! I love it when this happens; when suddenly your friendship takes off. It's happened to me a couple of times in life and funnily enough, two of these people are actually amongst my best friends now.

I love my friends for so many different reasons. I love them each for their unique and individual qualities. One friend can endure any situation and can always cheer me up. Another friend has exactly the same interests as me. Another has an identical humour to mine and we have figuratively wet ourselves on many occasions. With another I have so many shared memories and we've grown up together. And with another I have faced adversity and adventure.

It's amazing what situations and experiences can lead to friendship. It really is one of the most encouraging, refining, defining, pleasurable, hilarious, comforting, and enjoyable gifts God gives us.

Censorship by Repletion

2010-08-27T13:58:00.003+01:00

In preparation for my masters, I've been reading an interesting article by French philosopher Roland Barthes, called 'The Grain of the Voice'. I was particularly struck by his idea of positive censorship; censorship that belongs to mass culture which is never criticised. This is the idea that when a work of art or an element of culture is overplayed, overdone or overblown, it becomes culturally forbidden in some way. Forbidden, in that it has lost its uniqueness or originality.

This got me thinking more about how this works outside of performance. I have always found it fascinating how fashion and fads work in culture. As a teenager I was always in pursuit of whatever was 'cool' or would give me status with my friends. This usually involved getting the newest gadget, becoming obsessed with the newest band and falling in lust with whoever was the 'hottest' baby-faced heartthrob at the time. As I got older, I began to be repulsed by this sort of sheepish behaviour, and would deliberately pretend not to like something because it would be far too 'mainstream' or 'popular'. The ironic thing about this new attitude, however, is that I was still trying to gain status in my own way by being 'alternative'. Either way, I was still following a fad and defining my identity by what I do or don't like.

Thinking about fads in general, I find it interesting how fickle our culture is. Once something becomes popular it can grow to epic proportions. Everyone becomes obsessed until it is all people can talk about(recently I can think of Twilight, The X Factor, Cheryl Cole, The World Cup...). After a while, it just becomes too popular that people get sick of it. The public get bored so quickly until it's old news and is relegated to the depths of uncool-The Spice Girls anyone? Wouldn't surprise me if in a few years people were treating Cheryl Cole the same way.

Part of growing up was, for me, letting myself be myself. This is part of the wonderful freedom of University. Whilst your secret interests might've seemed bizarre in school, there is such a wide plethora of people at uni that you are bound to find someone else who likes bollywood, reads star-trek fan fiction and plays the kazoo.

Yet, as I've discovered, even in adulthood there is a drive to gain status and popularity; to be 'in' the 'in-crowd'. It took me a while, but I realised I'll never be part of the in-crowd and I don't want to be. If you're a Christian, it's just not possible. It involves doing everything the 'done' way, acting in a certain way, saying certain things, buying certain things, believing in certain things. All to be part of 'us' and not 'them'. Who actually wants to live like that? It's got to be ok to be yourself.

I'm not ashamed to say that I actually like Twilight, I like classical music, I don't like the X Factor, I believe in truth, I like computer games, I love meat, I like clothes and pretty things, sometimes I get a craving to play chess, I think 'shooting stars' is rubbish, and yes, I still enjoy listening to Five. Hey, that's just me.

"Everyone is Entitled to My Opinion"

2010-08-24T15:53:00.002+01:00

...so goes the saying on the magnet attached to my fridge. (My parents bought this for me, probably in reference to my unfortunate bolshy stubbornness...I'm working on it!)

However, I don't think I'm the only one who thinks like this by any means. I guess it's a difficult part of human nature that when we think we're right, we, of course, have to think other people are wrong. Yet when it comes to Christianity, we sometimes draw the boundaries of right and wrong too far. There has to be some way of defining what it means to be a Christian, otherwise we could never categorise anything. To deny definition is to deny truth.

I think it is generally agreed that a Christian is someone who believes in their heart that Jesus is God, died for their sin and rose from the dead and follows Him. I think we would describe these as 'core truths'. If we start questioning these too much; we lose any sense of the category of Christian altogether. In the same way, I can't call myself a Brownie if I don't agree to the Brownie code of conduct; don't go to Brownie meetings; don't associate with Brownies. In fact, I have no connection with the Brownies whatsoever, except that I went for a few months when I was younger. Yet I'm not going to go round for the rest of my life introducing myself as a brownie!

There is so much division amongst Christians when it comes to theology; spirituality; church culture and so on. I have treated people like this in the past; treated people with suspicion because their theology doesn't match mine. Similarly, I have felt alienated from other Christians because I believe something that doesn't fit with their theology. It's incredible that people can make me feel like my views are worryingly gone astray, as if I might walk away from God any moment, even though my passion for Jesus might be stronger than ever!

I read this great post which I would definitely recommend:
http://www.theresurgence.com/what_it_means_to_be_truly_reformed

I found this really encouraging because I think it shows that some Christians are starting to humbly accept that their theology isn't the same as their faith in Jesus. Once you start drawing boundaries over 'right' and 'wrong' theology, you start adding to Jesus, Galatian style.

Jesus has to be everything. He has to be the centre. You can't add or take away anything from Him. The more people start realising this, the more we can start building church unity.

Confession

2010-08-22T18:52:00.017+01:00

Confession, as I'm increasingly realising, is a vital part of living a righteous life. If a sin goes unconfessed to God (and therefore unrepented) it can eat you up. Confessing to God and realising your sin before him is one of the greatest and most humbling and healing experiences for a Christian.

But, sometimes, I think God requires us to confess our sins to others. This has happened on several occasions in my life when I've been struggling with sin, but I feel trapped in my 'sinful' self. I confess to God, but my sin still feels hidden inside myself. I seem to return back to the same cycle of sin over and over. I do, of course, believe God is sanctifying me, but I think a big part of that santification can't happen until I let my sin out in the open.

On these occasions, I have come to the desperate conclusion that I have to tell someone about my sin. It is one of the hardest things imaginable to actually reveal to someone else how messed up you really are. But it is so worth it. When I've really opened up to my Christian friends (and even non-Christian friends) I have experienced the most incredible sense of freedom; a feeling that the burden of my secret has been lifted off my shoulders. This makes it much easier to overcome sin because someone else is sharing the burden with you and providing accountability.

Because I have realised that confession is important, I have asked God to provide me with people to confess to and every single time he has delivered. I had recently been praying for months for a chance to confess to someone and the other day, I was provided with an opportunity. It was the last person I ever expected to be opening up to! But there it was, plain as day. God was giving me the chance to humble myself and confess.

Several months ago I was listening to a Mark Driscoll sermon and was really struck by his words that, almost ironically, we are not able to move on from sin until we actually talk about it. Since then, I have felt convicted that if I am not able to speak about my sin then I remain trapped by it. Finally speaking those words of confession was, for me, most definitely a sign that I was moving on. It is only when sin is exposed to the light that it can truly perish.

Old Books

2010-08-14T15:09:00.006+01:00

I absolutely love old books and secondhand bookshops. I would actually rather someone buy me an old copy of a book than a brand-spanking new one. This is because old books have a story. Someone bought that book a long time ago and it must have passed through many hands since to end up in the second hand book shop I buy it in. Here are some of my old books:

I love that this book belonged to someone called Billy Bragg! He actually sounds like a character from Just William

This book belonged to my grandma when she was a little girl. It was given as a present from my great-grandma.

The Kingdom of God

2010-07-26T16:46:00.011+01:00

"At its simplest, the kingdom of God is the result of God’s mission to rescue and renew his sin-marred creation. The kingdom of God is about Jesus our king establishing his rule and reign over all creation, defeating the human and angelic evil powers, bringing order to all, enacting justice, and being worshiped as Lord.

Tragically, there are many erroneous views of the kingdom that misrepresent the glories of God’s eternal kingdom. The kingdom is not like the cartoonish inanity that shows heaven as a white cloud upon which we will sit wearing diapers and playing harps with wings far too small to carry us anywhere fun. The kingdom is not the naïve dream of liberalism, that with more education and time sin and its effects will be so eradicated from the earth that utopia will dawn. The kingdom is not the deceptive dream of Christless spirituality where all learn to nurture the spark of divinity within themselves and live out their true good self in harmony. The kingdom is not the political dream that if we simply get the right leaders in office and defeat all the bad guys good will rule the earth.

The kingdom is both a journey and a destination, both a rescue operation in this broken world and a perfect outcome in the new earth to come, both already started and not yet finished."

~Mark Driscoll and Gerry Breshears

Isn't the kingdom of God unfathomably amazing? Total healing and perfection in God's creation. Total security and peace for everyone and everything. No more wars, no more jealousy, no more pride, no more greed, no more gluttony, no more theft, no more lies, no more lust, no more injustice, no more oppression, no more murder, no more adultery, no more pain, no more illness, no more suffering....This Kingdom isn't just our future; it is a present reality. God is building his kingdom on earth right now, starting with us. Now that is good news.

The Art of Listening

2010-07-13T13:47:00.013+01:00

Listening is one of the hardest aspects of a relationship. You might hear someone's words, but actually listening to them requires effort and giving part of yourself. When you listen to someone, you give them space for expression; you give them encouragement that what they have to say is important to you; you give their opinions the just respect of being aired; and you give them your time. Listening is something I find hard to do, probably because I am selfish and self-centered. I find myself thinking of what I'm going to say next whilst the other person is talking and often drift off into my own thoughts (the problem with having a tangential imagination). I am also terrible at interrupting people when I want to get my view heard, especially in a heated debate.

God's been showing me more and more recently how listening can be such a great way of loving others. One of my gifts is compassion; but how can I use that compassion if I don't listen? How can I help someone without really knowing what their problem is? It's also become one of the things I value most in others. It is pretty rare to find someone who genuinely wants to listen to you and even draws you out with questions. It is so wonderful when someone really wants to get to know you and show they care by listening to you. I often find myself going away feeling loved and encouraged from these conversations.

I recently heard hospitality described as 'showing interest in someone'. I am increasingly thinking this is true. I have been invited to people's houses before, but haven't actually felt particularly welcome there or that our relationship has grown because of it; largely because they haven't really taken much interest in getting to know me. Whereas at other times, when there is mutual interest in one another and mutual listening going on, I go away refreshed and praise God for those relationships.

I was really struck by Tim Chester's post on this topic. I love this quote from Bonhoeffer:

'The first service one owes to others in the community involves listening to them. Just as our love for God begins with listening to God’s Word, the beginning of love for other Christians is learning to listen to them. God’s love for us is shown by the fact that God not only gives us God’s Word, but also lends us God’s ear. We do God’s work for our brothers and sisters when we learn to listen to them...Many people seek a sympathetic ear and do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking even when they should be listening. But Christians who can no longer listen to one another will soon no longer be listening to God either. They will always be talking even in the presence of God...Those who think their time is too precious to spend listening will never really have time for God and others, but only for themselves and for their own words and plans.’

Something I definitely need to work on!

I can't wait to see these movies...

2010-07-12T14:21:00.006+01:00

Favourite Things Continued....

2010-06-30T15:29:00.014+01:00

Novels
Chocolate
The 1920s
Hat Boxes
Sam Mendes Films

Church

2010-06-29T15:16:00.009+01:00

Believe it or not, this poster was actually made by someone in the emerging church. I'll be honest, the emerging church is something that kind of excites me. I think it has been totally mis-understood in many Christian circles and accused of being so liberal it's lost sight of any form of truth. However, I think the vision of the emerging church is brilliant.

A few years ago, I thought post-modernism was totally evil; a bleak philosophy symptomatic of a society that had been totally jacked up by a horrendous war. In some ways, I still think parts of it is. But in other ways, I think it actually has some value in it. Like many philosophies, it's great as long as you don't take it too far. As my perspective has changed, I've realised it's actually okay to embrace the good parts of postmodernism, whilst resisting all the crap that comes with it. Like it or not, we now live in quite a postmodern society and we the church need to do something about it.

That's what I like about the emerging church vision. It actually seeks to meet people in their culture, without compromising on truth. It wants to put an end to denominational differences and unify the church as the body of Christ. It values relevance, diversity, transparency, honesty, community, non-conformism, and most importantly for me; freedom. It is so important to me to feel I can be free to be myself. If I'm honest, I don't think freedom, individualism and free-thinking is encouraged much in many churches I have been in. You either think what everyone else thinks, or you are accused of being a heretic. Isn't inclusion a much more loving approach? Isn't it wonderful that God makes people diverse enough to think differently, see him in different ways, and want to worship him in different forms?

This is one vision set out by Larson & Osborne in 1970, as described by Ian Mobsby:

'Larson & Osborne note the following themes: Rediscovering contextual and experimental mission in the western church. Forms of church that are not restrained by institutional expectations. Open to change and God wanting to do a new thing. Use of the key word ..."and". Whereas the heady polarities of our day seek to divide us into an either-or camp, the mark of the emerging Church will be its emphasis on both-and. For generations we have divided ourselves into camps: Protestants and Catholics, high church and low, clergy and laity, social activists and personal piety, liberals and conservatives, sacred and secular, instructional and underground. It will bring together the most helpful of the old and best of the new, blending the dynamic of a personal Gospel with the compassion of social concern. It will find its ministry being expressed by a whole people, wherein the distinction between clergy and laity will be that of function, not of status or hierarchical division. In the emerging Church, due emphasis will be placed on both theological rootage and contemporary experience, on celebration in worship and involvement in social concerns, on faith and feeling, reason and prayer, conversion and continuity, the personal and the conceptual.'

I just think that is a fantastic vision!

One Year Today

2010-06-26T22:32:00.019+01:00

One year ago today I left Russia. I still miss it so much it hurts. It's the people you miss most, but also the atmosphere of living in a place so totally different to what you're used to. I miss the smells, the trams, the hilarious old Russians, the little bakeries and cafes, the big old buildings and so much more. Here are a few memories:

Me in trad Russian apron with my dear friend Zhenya

This was one of my the most hilarious moments of my time in Russia (and my life!). Object: get the whole team over the piece of rope. It went a bit haywire as they attempted to lift me feet first onto sasha's shoulders. MISTAKE.

Love these girls. The karaoke legends and my teammate, Tolu.

Boy do I miss this. REAL hot chocolate at Cafe Lady Marmalade. Pretty much the greatest thing ever. So thick it's served with a glass of milk!

The loveliest family and the loveliest kids.

I miss babysitting these little ones!

Miss Palmer and Miss Smirnova. LOVE them. They are nuts.

With lots of lovely students at a party

This was one of the best days when we decided to find the ugliest clothes and try them all on. In Russia you have to find alternative forms of entertainment!

English Club aka Shoom! This was one of my favourite parts of my time in Russia. So many great people.

I will always love Russia and the Russian people in an incredibly deep way. My year there had the biggest impact on me of anything I've ever experienced. I really hope I can go back again sometime!

My Happy Place

2010-06-24T15:27:00.005+01:00

I'm reading this book at the moment. I'm slowly working my way through the series again. I just LOVE IT. Reading Harry Potter is like escaping into my happy place. I especially love the third book for some reason. I love the twist about Sirius Black, the Marauder's Map, the Quidditch final, Hogsmeade and butterbeer, Divination and mostly Professor Lupin (who is quite possibly my favourite character after the Weasley twins). There are books I love for their depth, like Birdsong; books I love for the romance-Persuasion, but this book just makes me feel warm. There's a kind of hope and depth of love between the characters that you can't help but feel good about. For me, the sign of a good book is when I am able to let my imagination totally lose itself in the world of the novel, and there is no book I like doing this more than Harry Potter.

The Ultimate Playlist

2010-06-17T14:38:00.011+01:00

If I could have a playlist of the songs I most love, it would have to include these:

Five- Everybody Get Up. I was kind of obsessed with Five when I was younger and still have a soft spot for them due to nostalgia. Plus I still think this is one of the greatest party tunes ever.

Coldplay-Clocks. I just think this song is perfect. I've probably listened to it about 300 times.

Ryan Adams-Wonderwall. Wonderwall by Oasis was actually one of my favourite songs until I heard this rendition in a cinema and it usurped the original. Incredibly soulful.

Michelle Branch-Everywhere. Reminds me of my teenage years and a great tune.

Debussy-Claire de Lune. Beautiful, atmospheric, nostalgic and french.

Bryan Adams-Run to You. This song has the best riff and intro ever. Shame it's about a man who's cheating on his partner!

Ludovico Einaudi-Passagio I discovered Einaudi after watching Dr Zhivago, which he composed the soundtrack for. Passagio is so bleak and evocative.

The Who-Magic Bus. There's something about this song which is incredibly catchy. It's got a real drive to it. (pun not intended!)

Matt Redman-Through it all. This is a song that I discovered recently but I just think it is so powerful and such a true sentiment.

Mute Math-Control. I love Mutemath's unique sound of spacey guitars and synthesisers and this song is one of their best.

Thomas Newman-Soundtrack to American Beauty and Road to Perdition. OK so this isn't a song but I can't choose one piece I like most. Thomas Newman is my all-time favourite composer and he is very creative in the instruments he uses to create soundtracks. They instantly set the tone to a film.

Oasis-Supersonic. The very essence of 90s cool.

Booker T and the MG's-Green Onions. The funkiest, most toe-tapping-inducing song ever.

Vaughn Williams-The Lark Ascending. I realise this is a cliche but it really is the most stunning piece of music.

The Beatles-Get Back. I really love this song. Not sure why, but it's incredible.

A Few of My Favourite Things...

2010-06-08T16:08:00.011+01:00

Light Pink Roses

Afternoon Tea

European Cities

The sound of rain pattering on a window

Worship

2010-06-04T15:38:00.003+01:00

"Worship is the believer’s response of all that they are – mind, emotions, will, body – to what God is and says and does." Warren Wiersbe

A Critique of Materialism

2010-06-03T16:11:00.007+01:00

For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. 1 Timothy 6:7

J'étais à Paris!

2010-05-30T19:46:00.005+01:00

I recently went on a mini-break to Paris. I've always wanted to go and it was beautiful!

Look at those amazing buildings!!

This was my favourite building-the opera house

We drank lots of these

Had to go here obviously

And did a little shopping here

Fabulous!

Creativity

2010-05-17T14:15:00.008+01:00

God made me creative. It's not surprising therefore that one of the things I love most about God is his creativity and I love how I can reflect that in my own life. One of the greatest gifts I have is my need to be creative and to reflect life through art, whether that be through drama, music, dance, poetry, writing etc.

I've been thinking a lot recently about how I can use my creativity to worship God in my everyday life and in encouraging others. I would love to see creativity used more in Christian circles. We are often afraid of creativity in churches because it is provocative and emotive. It is also sometimes seen as debauched, due to the way art has been so often misused by the creative 'industry'. However, I believe art is a wonderful blessing that God has given us and when used with a heart that seeks only to glorify God and not itself, it can be incredibly spiritually effective. We ought to use it and embrace the many ways that it can challenge and teach people, especially when looking for fresh new ways to present the gospel. (I think Campus Crusade has been really great at doing this, using evangelistic tools of soularium, a series of thought-provoking photographs, and the short films ministry, both designed to provoke discussion in a non-threatening way)

I particularly liked the way art was used in my church in Russia. Every service we would have a slot where someone would either play a piece of music on violin or guitar, sing a song, dance or read a poem. One of the most creative things I have seen in a church was a dance some girls did on Easter Sunday which was very moving and just reflected the spirit of that day so well. There was no suggestion that it was a 'performance' and everyone I spoke to felt edified by it. Similarly there was a very gifted violin player and it would make me love God more just to hear his music. I would love to see more churches using art in this way.

Regarding being a Christian artist and using art in church, I really like this post by a Christian poet, on Christian creativity:

1. God uses emotional extremes to create art.
2. Prayer increases creativity in that it feeds the Spirit.
3. Art is a reflection of the Creator.
4. Art may not always be attractive, but it is always aesthetic.
4. Art made by Christians should edify the Body of Christ.
5. Because of the lack of cultural and artistic awareness in our present society, art will often threaten, anger, or confuse members of the Body of Christ.
6. The Christian artist should be patient in communicating art to the Body of Christ.

The point is that art and religion don't have to stand either side of a chasm; wouldn't it be wonderful if we could enjoy them both together?

Oh Mr Collins!

2010-05-11T14:15:00.012+01:00

I went on a train journey recently which was pretty amusing, but also totally annoying. I get the train nearly every day and usually don't get harassed. However, the other day I showed my ticket and railcard to the conductor as usual and for some reason he decided to chat me up for the whole of the rest of the journey. After getting my life story, he proceeded to move my luggage so he could sit in the seat next to me. Seeing my escape whilst he was dealing with other customers, I got out my driving theory book so I could look like I was busy, however this only gave him more leverage for conversation as he grabbed it off me and starting asking me questions. I was quite bemused and shocked by his forwardness, let alone his lack of professionalism!

Then on my return journey the train was cancelled and this man (probably about 15 years my senior I might add) started saying how annoyed he was the train was cancelled. I made chit chat and thought he was just being friendly. Unfortunately I discovered too late quite how friendly this was. Apparently I'd already given him the idea I was interested just by being nice! When the replacement service finally came, I went down the other end of the train and thought I'd lost him. But alas! I had just sat down, only to find him coming to sit beside me. Cringe. This time I wasn't going to be stuck again so I put my headphones on. Yet this still didn't deter him! Several times on the journey he tapped me and asked if I wanted to exchange numbers. After a while this got so annoying I just ignored him. Fortunately he had to get off but just wanted to make sure I was absolutely certain I didn't want his number. SICK.

So aside from the creepiness, this was pretty funny. But it was also rather sad. It got me thinking. Why do some men act like this? Why is it that smiling at someone or passing the time of day is interpreted as 'Gosh I fancy you. Please harass me so I can give you my number because I really am deeply attracted to you' Perhaps it's the old Mr Collins problem of being totally unable to interpret what a woman is communicating. I mean, I know women are hard to understand, but surely blocking someone out with headphones is about as obvious as it gets! Similarly, Mr C just doesn't get it when Elizabeth refuses him in more than plain terms. Please can we add to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights 'women have the right not to be harassed by men on the train'!

The Universal Declaration of Human Rights

2010-05-10T16:31:00.008+01:00

We were discussing this the other day in Workshop (the course I'm studying in Applied Christian Studies) and I was really moved by the video. The fact that hundreds of different countries can agree on common morals and ideals for how people should treat each other is really quite amazing. I really believe that despite our sinful natures, there is goodness in many people in the world and a common concept of what is good and bad-as there ought to be, seeing as we are made in the image of God and He is not absent!

I don't really like the word 'right' as that suggests something we deserve or expect, but the principles are really great. Some of the rights also contradict each other; for instance having the right to free speech will of course mean you end up hurting someone, but if all the principles were followed then this shouldn't happen. I don't really believe that this kind of world can fully exist currently, but I think it's important that we follow these ideals and set out this vision, because vision shapes our behaviour. Really, it's a lovely image of what the Kingdom of God will be like; mankind living in total personal, social, material and spiritual peace.

Whatever is Lovely...

2010-04-30T16:10:00.000+01:00

...think about such things.

A Guilty Pleasure

2010-04-27T14:30:00.000+01:00

I started reading The Twilight Saga a few months ago out of sheer curiosity. I missed most of the original craze around these novels, as I was in Russia when it all hit off. However, when I returned I noticed all this fuss being made over a book about teenagers and vampires and was completely perplexed as to why. Although I was rather a fan of Buffy when I was a teen, I really wasn't expecting to enjoy these books. I don't really do vampire shiz and teen romances belong in the gooey remnants of my younger years when I fed my imagination with Point Romance novels-total vomit-inducing pulp.

However, as I started to read, I was pleasantly surprised how gripped I was by the storyline. The writing is, admittedly, not particularly astounding but, as it's written for teenagers, this flaw can probably be overlooked. I found myself drawn in by the mystery of Edward Cullen and appreciated the way the romance subtly unfolded. I loved the addition of the vampires' supernatural abilities and found my pulse racing at the thrilling chase from the non-veggie vamps. Usually I am a slow reader but consumed all four books at an unusually fast pace. It really is an incredibly compelling story and I related to so many of the conflicting feelings of confusion and teenage angst Bella goes through in the novels. I think as a teenager, I would've been completely obsessed. These days, when questioned by the cynical, I have to embarassingly contest that these books really are "quite good".

Meanwhile, Where is Meaning?

2010-04-07T14:03:00.000+01:00

"The existentialist finds it extremely embarrassing that God does not exist, for there disappears with him all possibility of finding values in an intelligible heaven" Jean-Paul Sartre.

Wedding

2010-04-06T14:31:00.000+01:00

I sung at a wedding this Easter weekend with a jazz quintet. We hadn't rehearsed but it still managed to go smoothly! I really love singing jazz and think I have found the perfect sound for my voice. I also love singing at weddings as you feel you're helping make the bride and groom's day special.

The Last Ballade

2010-04-01T14:17:00.000+01:00

I went to see a rather unique play last night. It was a one-man monologue, telling the story of the relationship between the composer Frederic Chopin and the French novelist George Sand. It was written and performed by Michael Lunts who is well known for producing performances that amalgamate music and theatre. Not only is he a good actor, he is also a fantastic pianist and he performed many of Chopin's pieces with wonderful finesse throughout. I found it rather amazing that he had not only learnt several hours of script but could also remember the pieces off by heart and talk at the same time! I could have done with some more action in the play; perhaps the introduction of other characters, but it did lend itself to a kind of intimacy with the audience.

The best part was certainly the music. I really do believe Chopin is one of the best composers for the piano and his pieces just have class. He was described by his contemporary, Franz Liszt as having "gentle, harmonious genius." You can easily imagine him playing in the salons in 19th century Paris, surrounded by bohemian artists, intellectuals and the cultural elite. All in all, a rather special production with a play and concert rolled into one. Shame I was the only person there younger than 50!

The Appeal of a Kid's Film

2010-03-30T16:46:00.000+01:00

I saw this movie last night. OK so it's a kid's film and had some distinctly Disney-esque moments, BUT it is so refreshing to watch a film that is just plain fun and wonderfully quirky. Plus, it has Maggie Gyllenhaal who I love and I was very impressed by her British accent. I like the fact that the story is just so old-school fairytale and kind of like Mary Poppins meets Problem Child.

I prefer the first film, which is even more quirky (plus it has Colin Firth) but this one is still pretty good. Watching kiddie films has a strange appeal to it: it's kind of like reading a children's book. It takes you back to your youth and has a wonderful innocence and nostalgia to it. Sometimes it's nice to escape back into your childhood.

'What good is warmth, without cold to give it sweetness?' - John Steinbeck

2010-03-08T13:55:00.000Z

It really seems like Spring is finally here! I love this time of year when everything is so new and fresh. Our garden was looking so dead over the winter but the other day I suddenly noticed a patch of white. I went into the garden and was met with the beautiful site of snowdrops! They've cropped up in several spots in our garden without anyone noticing. I can't decide which season I like best-autumn has beautiful colours and crunchy leaves, late summer is warm and nostalgic, but spring is so refreshing after the long winter. People complain about the cold winters, but then spring wouldn't seem so lovely if we didn't have to go through the chilly months. There's probably a deep message hidden in there somewhere...

'A man makes his plans, but the Lord determines his footsteps'

2010-03-03T13:55:00.000Z

This is a verse that I've come back to a lot recently. It comes from one of my favourite books of the bible-Proverbs. I love the sheer wisdom and truth in this book that jumps out at you. I suppose I've been thinking about it a lot, because I've had to deal with a lot of hard decisions in my life lately. These are only my current musings and may of course change, but I really do believe that God does intervene in our lives and does guide us along a particular path that he has set for us. I suppose scriptures like this have led me to believe that he guides us closely, but to what extent that is true I cannot say. Does he direct every movement we make or just hold us in his hands and guide us in a kind of broad direction?

Firstly, I think it is clear what God will not guide us to do and that is to sin. I think it is fair to say that if we sin, we are deviating from the right path God would wish us to go down. That doesn't mean that God can't bring us back though, even if he has to create a different route to the end-which is ultimately that we would be in His kingdom.

Secondly, I think sometimes we have a variety of decisions we can make, all of which may be in God's will, and sometimes all the options are closed and there is only one decision for us to make. I feel that in my life, the latter has been mostly true. Usually I make plans and gradually all the doors close until I have one or two options left. Although this of course makes it easier to make a decision in the sense that I have fewer options to choose from, it is often a painful process where I have to accept that the plans I was making are just not going to happen.

So this is the question I am asking at the moment-why does God allow us to make plans that are not going to come to fruition? What is he teaching us through this process? What do I learn when I find my plans are hindered?

In my experience, the chief thing I learn is humility and perspective. I learn to humble myself and put God's plans before my own, seeing them in an eternal light. As much as I might want something, it doesn't mean it's necessarily the right thing for me and going to be ultimately good for my soul. That doesn't make it any less painful or understandable, but it does bring comfort and a kind of amazement to think God would care enough to intervene in our lives and save the best for us. One example of this is what happened to me at university. I only really added Manchester university on as an afterthought, but was unfortunately (or fortunately?) not accepted into the other universities I applied to. This was a really hard thing for me to deal with and I couldn't help feeling rejected and very confused that God seemed to be sending me there.

However, when I look back on my time at Manchester I am so grateful I went there. I had a great time, made some wonderful friends and best of all, I grew so much in my faith. I also ended up going on a trip to Russia, something that I most likely wouldn't have done at the other unis I applied to, due to the fact that Agape didn't work there. Russia has fulfilled a lot of my desires and giftings and I can really see how God led me there.

So this has taught me that even when we can't see God working, there is a purpose behind things when our plans go awry and an ultimate good that is prepared for us. That's not to say that we can always see that purpose, and we might look back on it as a pretty crap time, but sometimes we get glimpses into the possible reason behind things and this helps us trust that God is carrying us in his arms. I wish that my plans always matched up to God's, but the fact is that they don't. I suppose that's part of living in a world of free will and God allowing me to go through the process of finding out what His desires are for me. It's about learning to trust God with my life.

Deconstructing your faith.

2010-02-22T16:13:00.000Z

I recently read Dawkins' The God Delusion and it got me thinking a lot. I am not intending on writing an extensive critique of the book; that has been done elsewhere and to good effect I think. (e.g. The Dawkins Delusion) My only personal reflections are that I found it an interesting read, insightful into what it seems a lot of people are thinking right now, but lacking in a coherent argument and well-researched evidence. I also object to the fact that Dawkins in his universal evolutionary thinking, assumes that natural selection determines the boundaries for culture-an area which I think it only very dubiously and minutely impacts, if indeed at all. I would say that theories behind cultural development should be left to social anthropologists and cultural historians.

In other ways though, Dawkins is very sadly correct. Christians can be hugely defensive and dogmatic when engaging with these debates-myself especially. I seem to attract hardcore atheists and often found myself, particularly at university, engaging in arguments where I was getting just as aggressive and uptight as the other person. I really didn't know what I was talking about and I made huge assumptions about other ideas labelling them all as heretical and stupid. I've made a lot of mistakes and I recognised myself in the kind of dogma Dawkins attacks.

Although I dislike the unloving manner in which some new atheists dogmatically present their beliefs (and they are beliefs), in some ways I want to take their scepticism and turn the questions on myself. I want to ask questions about God that make me uncomfortable, that address the doubt I feel, that leave the possibility of answers I don't want to hear. I no longer want to conform to the beliefs and practices of the particular church or denomination I belong to, without knowing why or indeed if we should do them.

Whilst I'm deconstructing my faith (which may take some time), I'm starting by wondering why I'm a Christian in the first place:

1. I always believed in God, probably because I grew up in a society and a family that believes in God. That doesn't necessarily mean that I loved him and wanted a relationship with him though.

2. I came to know Jesus through experience. In some ways, I think this is how all people start a relationship with God. We experience him in some way, be it through a gradual process or a dramatic encounter. I dramatically encountered God's love and realised I needed his forgiveness. Ever since, I look back on this encounter as the starting point of my faith.

3. God satisfies me rationally and philosophically. God makes sense to me. He answers my questions about the universe in a basic but generally satisfying way. I have never come across an argument that has convinced me otherwise.

4. I believe in God historically. When you look at the historical evidence presented to us in the bible, validated by archeology, it suggests to me that Jesus Christ was a real and righteous person, who did real miracles, was executed, and revealed himself to his followers after rising from the dead.

5. I believe in God through nature. When I look at the world around me and its exquisite beauty, I am convinced that it was designed and made by a higher power, and what is more that that higher power is incredibly creative and inspiring, and proclaims his love to us through it. I am not bothered how it was made because I don't think that eliminates God as author.

6. I believe in God because he has changed me. This is actually one of the most powerful elements that confirms my belief in God. When I accepted Christ, I actually saw an emotional and behavioural change in my life. Not because I was reading the bible a lot and learning a moral code (I wasn't), but because God was working in me. I have also experienced a lot of change and redemption of my thoughts and I now find sins I used to struggle with, much easier to avoid. I can't find any acceptable explanation for this other than God.

I think it's good to re-visit and evaluate the reasons why you believe and in some ways, facing challenges from those that oppose your views can be helpful. Now I'm asking other questions, perhaps that are harder to answer, such as:

Why does God allow suffering?
What exactly is the requirement for being in the Kingdom of God?
What about people from other faiths?
What exactly happened on the cross and how does this impact the gospel we preach?

I think it's so important, especially in the current climate, for Christians to spend time pondering over the questions that others are asking and to put the truth and love first, rather than dogmatically reciting recycled responses. I only hope that deconstructing my faith in this way gives me a more clearer picture of myself and my beliefs, and allows me to more lovingly dialogue with others in future, rather than putting my defences up.

Bright Star

2010-02-12T13:59:00.000Z

This has to be the most beautiful film I have ever seen. Every single shot is filmed with such light, delicacy and aesthetic appreciation. Even the simple opening of a door or unfolding of a letter takes on a beauty all of its own. The plot and script are wonderfully crafted and the acting moving and utterly compelling. It's about the relationship between the poet John Keats and the woman he falls in love with, Fanny Braun. She is a lovely character-full of life and colour. She loves designing and making her own clothes. Then of course there is John, who is elusive, passionate and intense. I loved the way their relationship developed and the lines of his poetry running throughout the film, signifying different stages of their lives. Despite the obvious sad ending to the film, I felt so uplifted and moved by it. I can't stop thinking about it really, and I think that is what the best films do to you.

White

2009-12-23T14:50:00.001Z

I can actually remember the year when we last had a white Christmas in England: 1995. That's 14 years ago!! Plus it was seriously heavy snow, which is even more unusual. So much so that we couldn't go out one evening when it was too slippery to drive around. As much as I like the look of a snowy scene, what I really love is when it is snowing. It just feels so ethereal and deliciously film noir. All the sound is silenced and heavy and time just seems suspended. I remember feeling like this one night walking home in Russia, when it snowed quite a bit in winter. I was walking down the quiet alleyway by my apartment block and it just started to snow. No one was around, so I just stopped walking and looked up in the sky and literally watched it come down for about 10 minutes under the dim lamplight. I couldn't move, it was glorious.

Charlotte Gray

2009-12-04T16:36:00.000Z

I recently just finished reading this novel and would definitely recommend it. I've already seen the film, which is actually quite different from the book, but I still think they're both good in their own right. I read Birdsong, the first in Faulks' French Trilogy and wanted to see how this novel compared. In some ways, it is more harrowing than its predecessor-something which I didn't think was possible as Birdsong is to date the most harrowing novel I have read.

Charlotte Gray is about a young, very strong scottish woman who is fed up with life in World War II and moves to London to help with the war effort. Whilst there, she falls in love with an airman, as well as getting involved in training to become a messanger for the resistance in France. Her lover goes off to France and his plane is hit; she goes off on her mission in France in an attempt to find him. Whilst there, she encounters a world she did not imagine and her heart becomes entangled in the local's struggle for freedom. She also grows close to an old Jewish man and two young boys, who are eventually carted off to concentration camps (thus the harrowing bit-it portrayed the camps in an incredibly graphic way that was more powerful for me than even Schindler's List)

Of course, one of the best parts of Faulks' novels is his writing. He is so apt at getting under a character's skin and lyrically expressing their thoughts and emotions. He understands human nature and is not afraid to cross boundries in his honesty and graphic detail. I also admire him for his attempt to be historically accurate. I don't actually know much about the war from the French side, so it was interesting to learn that some of the French actually hated the English and saw Churchill as the enemy. They also supported the Nazi plans for deportation and segregation of Jews, except perhaps there was an element of forced co-operation with their occupier. I can't imagine what it must be like; to have your country invaded by another whilst you desperately grapple for any ounce of freedom you can retain. I would absolutely hate it, because I value my freedom so much. The very idea that we would be forced to adhere to the ideas and practices of another culture, especially one so repulsive as National Socialism! Yet, I can't believe how many people just tried to get on with their lives as quietly as possible-what weak things we are. All we're really concerned with is our own survival and peace. I pray to God that faced with the same situation, I would have the boldness to stand up for righteousness.

Something that stuck with me towards the end of the novel was the way the experience changed Charlotte. I loved the way that when she finally returned home, she made up her mind to be alive-to live life for those people whose fates had dissapeared in vapour. To be alive in a way they would approve of, because they can't be.

Finding Your Niche

2009-11-11T20:15:00.000Z

Something I have been thinking a lot about recently is how we find out what we're meant to do in life. This is a question that I think most people ask at some point in their lives and there are generally four different ways we work this out:

1. We know from an early age what we want to do and we work towards it
2. We go into it by default
3. God tells us specifically what he wants us to do
4. We try lots of different things until we work out which ones we don't what to do and which we do.

Most of my life has been governed by number 4. I started out my life thinking I wanted to be an actor and for a long time that was what I wanted to do (apart from a brief spell where I thought being a hairdresser would be super glamorous!?). Then I started thinking about other things. I decided that acting was quite a hard career to go into and that maybe I should try things that were more practical first, plus I wanted to have a back up job if I ever did decide to become an actor. So I first thought I really wanted to be a doctor, but then I realised I didn't like science enough. Then I thought teaching was the thing for me and I even had quite a bit of work experience but in the end I just didn't have the patience and didn't enjoy it enough. Finally, I felt that God was leading me to go to Russia. I didn't think it would necessarily be my life calling to live there, but I definitely had an idea in my head that I would love being a missionary and would just never want to leave. Wrong again! God has led me on a crazy journey where I have actually gone full circle and come back to where I started.

It was my third year at university, I was sitting in the Royal Exchange Theatre in Manchester watching Henry V, when out of the blue it suddenly hit me-this is what I want to do. I can't really explain it, other than to say that I just felt this real longing and total conviction inside me that this is what I should be doing. It was at that point that I allowed myself to dream about becoming an actor again. When I was in Russia I spent a lot of time debating whether I should go back for another year. During this time, I felt even more convinced that actually my future should involve drama in some way and that was my true 'niche' in life. My main reason for this is that 1. I absolutely love it and 2. it's the only thing I want to do. Is that not a good reason?

But since then, I've experienced quite a lot of doubt about this dream. The thing is, I have no idea how it's all going to work. My first thought is to apply to drama school, but what then? It's all a bit scary. Recently I've realised more and more that being yourself and doing what you love is so important, but it takes courage. I don't want to settle for number 2. I don't want to just end up in something and stick with it because I can't think of anything else. I would rather take the plunge and try and realise my dream. Hey, maybe I'll be miserable but at least I will have tried.

I heard someone say recently that doing what you were made to do is the most wonderful thing. What a great pleasure to just be who you are. I love Eric Liddell's words from Chariots of Fire when he has the option of running in the Olympics or going to China to be a missionary:"I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure." It's so easy to stress about what your purpose and calling is in life, when actually, it's to be yourself. I want to be free to be who God made me to be.

Filing Your Life

2009-10-26T12:19:00.000Z

So last night I was reading the well known book I've Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris. I know this is usually a book people read in their teens but I am one of those annoying people who start a book and then halfway through put it down and start another book. In fact, there are about 20 books on my bookshelf that are half read....I do plan on reading them eventually though! So one day I decided to pick up this book again and think I am actually gaining more reading from a more mature, more experienced time in my life. Although I think I could have used a lot of the advice earlier on! I know a lot of people don't dig this book because they think it is too extreme-i agree with that to some extent. But on the other hand, I have learnt enough to realise that the advice in the book is pretty wise and should be fully considered.

Anyway, I want to share a image that particularly struck me in this book which actually is not necessarily about dating. The chapter was about grace and how not to live in the guilt and memory of your past sins, especially in the realm of dating. I am a very visual person so metaphors and images really resonate with me. In this chapter Harris talks about a dream he had. I can only guess that this dream came from God, because of its incredible detail and the wisdom that came from it.

Basically to summarise this dream-Joshua Harris walks into a totally blank, white room except for a set of index cards filed away at one end. He walks up to the files and draws out an index card. It says 'Books I have Read'; The file is a series of index cards with books he has read throughout his life. He draws a file from a different box-'Friends'; lists his friends. He then discovers that these boxes contain his entire life, documented on each index card in full. Gradually he starts to discover the more sinister side of his filed life-'Friends I have Betrayed', 'Lustful Thoughts'-with embarrisingly detailed and accurate descriptions. He pulls out a file 'People I have Shared the Gospel with' and is ashamed at how few index cards are in there. He then starts to break down and cry at the terrible shame of his life, documented before his eyes. Then someone comes in the room-it is Jesus and Harris just can't take it anymore-he can't bare that Jesus can look at his cards and see all the bad things he's done. Jesus comforts him, then walks over to the files-he takes a card out and signs his name over Joshua's. Despite Harris' desperate attempt to try and stop him, He signs and signs over all the cards until he is done. Then he says 'It is finished'. They leave-he can still come back and sign more when more are inevitably added.

What an incredible image of Jesus' sacrifice for us! I struggle so much to get to grips with the concept that Jesus has taken the blame for my sin, but I felt that this dream really nailed it. I can't help but feel disgusted with myself-Jesus was counted amoung transgressors like ME. I am disgusted that that even had to happen and I am disgusted that there will be more cards in my life he has to take the blame for. How DARE I add to this punishment?? It really gave me a kick up the butt about sin and made me so grateful that the crappy cards in my life have been entered under a new name-Jesus has literally bought me my freedom.

The Ultimate Cookie Recipe

2009-10-23T14:59:00.000+01:00

This is my all time favourite cookie recipe from none other than Red magazine. I had never made cookies in my life before, but when I arrived in Russia about a year ago, I brought this one English magazine with me and, one day, just decided to attempt a cookie recipe-I was particularly fascinated by the way the chocolate inside the cookies was molton. I am most definitely a fan of anything with liquid chocolate seeping out of it! Turns out this recipe was a hit-it didn't take long before the cookies were being requested at parties and events and I couldn't believe how every person who tried them loved them. I've never been much of a success in the kitchen, so I couldn't help feeling a little bit pleased that my culinary skills had finally met with some approval. That's not to say it's all my own talent though-a huge amount of the credit for these cookies MUST come from its genius recipe, however I did feel that through many hours of practice I was able to perfect my baking method so that the cookies were just the right state of gooeyness to enjoy in all their delectable finery.

Here is the recipe:

Ingredients (g=grammes, tsp=teaspoon, tbsp=tablespoon)

325g of dark chocolate
125g salted butter
150g soft brown sugar
1 large egg
225g plain flour
1 tsp bicarbonate soda
1/2 tsp baking powder
Pinch of salt
4 tbsp cocoa powder

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 160*C/325*F/Gas Mark 3

2. Put 125g of chocolate in a small bowl and set over a pan of simmering water (you can also melt chocolate in the microwave with a bit of butter, or in a pan with butter-remember it burns very easily so you have to keep stirring it and closely watching it) When it is almost melted, remove from the heat and let it cool for a few minutes. Stir until smooth.

3. Whisk the butter and sugar together, until fluffy, then whisk in the egg followed by the melted chocolate

4. Mix together the flour, bicarbonate of soda, baking powder, salt and cocoa powder and beat into the chocolate mixture.

5. Chop up the remaining chocolate into small pieces and add to the mixture. (You could also try using caramel chocolate, as I tried recently. The runny caramel should remain intact inside the chocolate and thus you have lovely gooey caramel cookies)

6. Form into small balls and flatten top a bit. (I try to make sure the pieces of chocolate aren't sticking out at the bottom of the cookie because then you get melted chocolate everywhere and it's harder to get out of the baking sheet)

7. Place on the baking sheet with enough room to spread. Bake for about 12 minutes. (This depends a lot on your oven. Check the cookies after about 7 minutes to see how they are doing. if they look very greasy and dark still, they are not ready. If they are wrinkly and a lighter colour they are done)

8. Leave cookies to cool and EAT!

The Suspicions of Mr Whicher

2009-10-21T16:00:00.000+01:00

This is a book I would never pick up in a book shop. Not only does it suggest an element of horror (a genre I generally find tacky) but it also appears to be a crime novel, and that section of literature I leave entirely to the great authoress-Agatha Christie. However, it was required reading for our book club, and therefore i set to it in good faith that the book had been recommended for a good reason. I wasn't disappointed. It is not a typical crime novel, as it is actually written about a real crime and is diffused with historical facts and literary contexts. Not only does this add a powerful element of reality to the novel, but it also is an education in itself. I had no idea, for instance, that 'The Detective' was only really an invention of the 19th century and became a sort of enigmatic figure, appearing in a shroud of mystery in literature such as Inspector Bucket in Dickens' Bleak House. It took a while for me to get used to the strange style of the novel, which was trying to balance historical context with the narrative of the story. However, I eventually began to realise how gripped I was becoming by the plot and that the book had actually achieved something many historians fail dismally in-to make history alive. The story is almost as good as if Mrs Christie herself had constructed it-the mystery surrounding the murder, the various suspects each appearing as guilty as the other, the inexplicable questions and pieces of evidence-they all added up to a sumptuous crime story and a fascinating denouement. Definitely a 4 star novel and a nice surprise for a book I would never otherwise have read.

Pushing Daisies

2009-09-18T12:32:00.001+01:00

I just got season two of Pushing Daisies, which is one of my all time favourite TV shows. I just love its eccentricity, hilarious characters and the wonderful 1950s-esque clothes Chuck (played by Anna Friel) wears. Plus, the basic idea of the plot is genius-Ned, the leading man in the story, discovers as a boy that he is able to bring living things back to life. However there is a catch-if he touches them again they die, and if he doesn't touch them again within 60 seconds someone else in the surrounding vicinity dies instead. This presents quite a problem with Chuck, his childhood sweetheart, who he brings back to life but is unable to touch. This is one of the parts of the series I love most. It is so refreshing to see a relationship on television that isn't all about sex and as hard as it is for them, I like the fact they can just gaze into each other's eyes and pretend to hold each other's hand behind their back. It just seems so much more romantic. Here are some pictures of gorgeous frocks Anna Friel wears:

2009-09-09T12:28:00.000+01:00

I love this idea for an old fashioned Ice Cream Parlour from eatdrinkchic. Makes me want to go and make myself an ice cream sundae with all the works, or throw an ice cream party. Although I would add frozen raseberries to mine-an idea we tried in Russia because you can't buy fresh raseberries. It turned out to taste delish, especially with chocolate shavings. Mmm!

Beslan

2009-09-03T22:59:00.000+01:00

I watched this programme yesterday about Beslan and the school hijacking about 5 years ago. I was flicking through the channels and it immediately caught my interest because they were talking in Russian. It was incredible to see this ordinary town that had been completely shattered by what had happened to them. They interviewed the children who were held hostage for 3 days and it was so moving to see how it still affected them. One girl said that she would never forget the faces of her captors. Another boy talked about the horror of just waiting around in the school gym, desperately hungry, and how he had eventually eaten a rose lying on the floor.

I still am amazed at the ability of humans to cause such pain to each other. What had these children done that could possibly deserve this kind of treatment? The saddest story they showed was of a young boy who had offered the rebels five rubles to let his mum go. Five rubles is worth barely anything in Russia; not even the cost of a tram ride. It just showed so clearly the vulnerability and desperation of humans when they are protecting something they love. When I think about the suffering these people went through, and are still going through, I can take comfort in God's claim on justice: 'Vengance is mine'. I know that one day these rebels will meet their maker and they will have to account for their deeds. I only pray that until then, they fall face down and pray for forgiveness.

Are we seeing?

2009-08-18T13:35:00.001+01:00

This blog is named after one of my favourite lines of poetry by William Blake:

To see a World in a Grain of Sand

And a Heaven in a Wild Flower,

Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand

And Eternity in an hour.

Don't you love the sentiment? I want to live like this, to really see the beauty and life that is in everything. I want to slow down and appreciate the world around me, as I may not have it for much longer. Heaven is near and it is all around us. We just have to look.